Jokes

We get a few jokes sent to us every day. I will try to post the best here every week.

If you want to receive copies of all, send me your email address on the feedback form.

France Elevates its Security Level

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a
raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal
level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels
remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to
"Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have
gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack
random countries (ideally those without any credible military)"
and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent
bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again
to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been
"A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"
to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Did you hear what G Dubya said about Roe vs. Wade?

He said, "I don't care how, but everyone must leave Louisiana."

Subject: A man and a woman .........

...........who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.""I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married.""Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f __ing blanket."
a moment later, he farted

Two blonde girls were working for the city
public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow
behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street,
then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working
furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling
it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work,
but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
"I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I
don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind
and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed,
"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Business Sign in the Window

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE
SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an
inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all
across the country would be marching on this business . . . and that the
National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the
proprietors
simply make their statement . . We are a society which holds Freedom of
Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?) You gotta love it!!!

From a travel agent:

I have been a Travel Agent for thirty years. I think I now know

why this country is in so much trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so

that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to

Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport

information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to

make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts" Without trying

to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is

in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...(click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida

package we did, I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He

said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is

not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He

replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very

thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible

to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."She said, "But they look so

close on the map."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know

how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and

got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was

an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of

time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she

bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your

physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to

whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked

in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and

I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on

hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I

came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and

that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to

Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be

cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who

asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he

meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but

none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,

FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if

she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,

whatever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents

he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion

about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I

don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I

double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told

him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every

time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want

to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for

words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the

town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some

searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've

looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino

anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it

is.Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New

York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it!

I knew it was a big animal," she said.

Now you too know why our Government is in the shape that it's in.

Always looking for a good joke, I ran across this news item. Clinton meant to say that Janet Reno would have had filed a lawsuit against bin Laden.

Note the phrasing, "confirmed, officially".

Monday, Aug. 15, 2005 10:41 p.m. EDT

Clinton: I Would Have Attacked bin Laden

Ex-president Bill Clinton now says he would have taken out Osama bin Laden before the 9/11 attacks – if only the FBI and CIA had been able to prove the al-Qaida mastermind was behind the attack on the U.S.S. Cole.

"I desperately wish that I had been president when the FBI and CIA finally confirmed, officially, that bin Laden was responsible for the attack on the U.S.S. Cole," Clinton tells New York magazine this week. "Then we could have launched an attack on Afghanistan early."

"I don’t know if it would have prevented 9/11," he added. "But it certainly would have complicated it.”

Despite his failure to launch such an attack, Clinton said he saw the danger posed by bin Laden much more clearly than did President Bush.

"I always thought that bin Laden was a bigger threat than the Bush administration did," he told New York magazine.

From the Cork Examiner's Personal Ad's

Heavy drinker,35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a
man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and
starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

------------------------------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time
fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing
still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

------------------------------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shitty
after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes,
maybe more.

------------------------------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in
the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady,
with a lovely chest.

------------------------------------------------------
Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering
cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

------------------------------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

------------------------------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed
supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin
sister.

Rules for Men

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and a topless supermodel delivers it...and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass
twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and
the Iraqi, and catches his glass.

He says, "In Texas we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we
don't have to drink with the same ones twice.

G~d was just about done creating man, but he had
two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite
decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He
thought He might just as well ask them. He told them
one of the things He had left was a thing that would
allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very
handy thing," G~d told them, "and I was wondering if
either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh,
please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It
seems like just the sort of thing a man should have.
Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went
like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told G~d
that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.

So G~d gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee
standing up. Adam was so excited he just started
whizzing all over the place -first on the side of a rock,
then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried
to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing
with delight all the while.

G~d and Eve watched him with amusement and then
G~d said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with
the last thing I have left. It is really handy."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Multiple orgasms."

Subject: Sensory challenge

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/interactives/senseschallenge/

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This page was last updated 07/09/09

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